I saw the look on Amy’s face when she drove past me during Saturday morning’s 60-below-frostbite dog walk.

"He's walking the dog in this weather?”

Yes Amy, I am. A dog’s gotta go when it's gotta go.

"Thank God I don't have a dog," Amy mused, or so I imagined.

Thank God I don't have a 400-pound husband, I imaginarily mused back.

And I admit it, I looked utterly ridiculous out there walking the dog. Parka, ski goggles, Hello-Kitty mittens and the pièce de résistance, a black-coloured, bank-robber-style balaclava — a clothing accessory that doesn't sell well these days thanks to online-banking. Why risk holding up a bank when you can steal trillions with an iPhone in the comfort of your own home?

But you’re missing the point again — and not simply because I never raised it. We’ve all missed the point, particularly the manufacturers of doggy garments.
 
Consider the following:

My dog, DJ, did the 60-below-frostbite walk au naturel and he was warmer than me. Where’s the justice?

Then it hit me like another one of those 'Great Ideas" which inevitably go nowhere...Like my Invisible Pills deal:
 
“Get in early, Uncle Hershie, get in big. It’s gonna sell like hotcakes."
 
Which makes me wonder why Uncle Hershie got so sore after he lost everything on the transparent deal.
 
Who buys hotcakes?

Back to point: Dogs are made for winter, we’re not. We evolved to hang out around the equator, not on a glacier.

And yet we worship the great prophets who "led" us out of warmth and into this frozen tundra. Take Moe Lipschitz, legendary Big Boss of the Clan of the Contented, a tribe that once dwelled by the shore of the Red Sea. What ran through Moe's muddled mind when he led his people out of the sun-drenched old country?

"Vut eef ve run outta sun-block?" Moe said. (Book of The Gullible; 3:21)

Air conditioning, Moe Lipshitz. Didja ever think of that vun?
 
Didja?
 

Meanwhile I think God's biggest mistake in Creation was giving dogs fur coats instead of us. Particularly if the Big Guy can see into the future. If He knew some of us would end up living in Laval, then why not give us the fur coats instead of the dogs?



Because He knew we’d have to create the garment industry and buy over-priced winter coats some day?
 
If The Big Guy woulda asked me, I’d have said:

“We’ll take the fur coats, give dogs the hemorrhoids.”
 
But like I’ve been telling you — no one listens to me.

My point: It is so amazing that because a dog has a coat, it needs little else. Throw him a bone and a cuddle and life is sweet.

Feed him Meadys and life is even—sweeter.

So Amy, good for you — you’ve got your 400-pound hubby and I’ve got frostbite. At least my dog doesn’t.

All to say: It’s not easy taking your dog out for a walk in the winter when you’re wearing Hello-Kitty mittens and a balaclava , but there’s no choice. As it is written in Frozen Cojones, Book 1, 3:14:

“A dog’s gotta go when a dog’s gotta go.”
 
Even when it’s 60-below frostbite, Amy.
 
So ORDER NOW! and keep your dog ready for winter.


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